Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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