I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
two words...techno handjob
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
