Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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