I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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