How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
