Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
