When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
