dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
