ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
