Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
