If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
