Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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