I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
