But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
