Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
