We're facebook friends in real life
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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