"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
