My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
