Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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