im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
