btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
