I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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