Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
