I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
