I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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