I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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