so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
