I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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