I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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