checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
