I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
