I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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