shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
