Im at strip club and am horny
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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