Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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