At least make sure they are 18
Why
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
