i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
