my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
