How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
