So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
