Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
