I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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