A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
