My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
