I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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