The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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