I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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