everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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