If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
