He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
