My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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