Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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